Treasure in heaven...

As I looked on Facebook today,a memory popped up. It has been two years since I first stepped out on the journey of IVF. Two years ago today I was reeling under the pain of my first failed IVF cycle. I was sitting at home with a broken and bruised body, heavy under the loss of the baby we would never meet. Some people might wonder at this, for after all our baby was only twenty days old. Yet it never mattered how old our baby was or how short a time on earth they had, they were still our baby and we were still parents.

I feel early losses do not get talked about as much as they should. It is often something that is quickly swept under the carpet and many people fail to remember that we were parents once. Our baby was termed a chemical pregnancy, that there was chromosomal abnormalities. All these terms did nothing to comfort me in the grief I felt at losing our baby. We counted each day after the embryo transfer and with every day I could feel more and more. It was a time of great blessing as we grew expectantly along with our baby. Yet the loss ripped at my heart, the pain was greater than any experience I have ever had.

I just want to say to anyone experiencing this or who have gone through it, that we must never feel forced to forget that lost baby. I just finished reading Through the Eyes of the Lion by Levi Lusko and was so blessed by what he had written. Instead of seeing our baby as just lost, I now know that though we never got to meet her or him on earth, they are waiting for us in heaven. We have a treasure in heaven waiting for us...

"But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven...for where your treasure is, there your heart will be also..." ~Matthew 6:20

Beauty in times of darkness...

On a scrap of paper tucked into my journal I found another reminder of His beauty in times of darkness. In times of deep dark anxiety I felt as though as I was drowning, becoming crushed under the pain - there was a battle, a conflict waging war inside my mind. He told me that you cannot have fear and faith and asked me if I would put my trust in Him?

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love"... ~1 John 4:18. 

2015- Dark thoughts

Imagine Jesus as a butterfly shining brightly. He comes fluttering into the dark forest of the mind and says, "Catch me, chase me, follow me", and leads me out of the darkness into the light. His wings glint as they catch the specks of sun shining. Pure beauty reflecting light into the eyes of those hungry for His goodness...

Reminders of His love...

As I looked back over my journal from 2015 I was in awe of everything God shown me and felt that it is important to share some of the revelations and dreams I had during that year to remind me of His glorious love. So I'll start with this one...

7th March 2015 

I had a vision last night so clear. I was deep in a forest and wild undergrowth surrounded me. I was sitting on a tree trunk crying and the rain was pouring down on me. It was grey and dark. Suddenly the rain stopped...It just stopped and the sun came brightly shining, everything was so green. A light so bright, glowing white shone a path through the undergrowth leading out of the tangled forest. I could see!

A hand stretched out of the light reaching out. It was so bright I could see nothing more than the hand. Then I started walking towards the hand - a voice spoke softly, gently but firm, "Come". I walked closer and closer following, a flash of blue eyes, a glimpse of white robe. The trees and forest disappeared as I was led into a peaceful area. Birds were singing, beauty was all around. Butterflies were floating, giant ones. I knew it was Jesus now who had led me here.

I woke up for a moment feeling warm and loved. Then fell back into a deep sleep...

A new year...a new adventure...

2015 has been an incredible year and I have been in awe over and over again of what God's been doing in my life! From beginning the year with a 21 day fast, having my whole relationship with my Dad restored, beginning University, working through my anxiety, meeting new people, worshiping at Big Church Day Out and David's Tent and visiting Scotland to say a few! 

2016 calls for even bigger things and I cannot wait to continue writing and journaling it all!